Monday's Stevenote to include anal-birth of 3G iPhone through black turtleneck/blue jean-esque unitard
- Pissed by NNTPnegro
WYLAS WWDC 2008 Liveblog
....of next Monday's event, how I can only guess it's going to go down:
9:50 - Ten minutes to go. I can hardly contain my backed up baby batter, haven't jerked off in a week, plan to jerk to climax solely within the time frame of the "One More Thing" slide... Almost made it last year... It's not helping that they are playing U2 right now...
10:00 - Lights dim, oops, pre-cum oozing, good thing I have a Vista Laptop on standby, a few seconds using "Flip3D" stopped that right quick.
10:01 - Mac/PC commercial starts - new "iPhone" character, played by Ellen Feiss!!! - this time she's "rolling on X"(get it), oh wow, she's getting fucked by Justin "Mac" Long, while John "PC" Hodgeman just gets to jerk off in the corner. This is really graphic and inappropriate for this venue... but looks really good in 1080p... encoded in h.264.
10:07 - WHAT!!! They rotate the camera, and we realize that the commercial was being "performed" LIVE!!! Ellen Feiss lies there, with just a taste of jizz, as Long and Hodgeman had blown their loads, but she hungers for more. Who I can only assume are the rest of the planned speakers take the stage, and proceed to jerk and jizz bukkake-style all over her indeed starting with Phil Schiller, and ending with Will Wright. Man, I really don't understand what their point is with this....
10:20 - The point revealed!!! Jobs takes the stage!! He hands Ellen an iPhone, she's using it to squeegee the cum off her naked body. At the same time, Jobs has a "Mopping up the competition" slide behind him, The crowd roars!!!
10:25 - Ellen takes a backseat to Jobs, however for some reason stays on stage, playing with the jizz, and now her own fecal matter and urine!! I'm sure the point to this will be revealed later in the show, but for now, she doesn't look like she's in a hurry to leave.
10:27 - Jobs goes on and on about market share, blah blah blah. PROUD OF YA. Now go fuck yourself and give me my goddamn 3G iPhone you fuck.
10:40 - Oh woop de fucking de do, more apps than ever are Leopard-compatible, and the adoption rate of Leopard THE BEST ON RECORD.... Right then Ellen rips a righteous fart from her little "area", Jobs responds to that with the first "Boom" of the night (under his breath).
10:45 - After more Leopard-praising, looks like new Macbooks. Aluminum!!! Whole line to go to the new Nehalem-core!!! Shipping next month... Goddamn, got to use the Vista Laptop again, this time having to look at it's lack of "Ultimate Extras" to calm my ass down.
11:00 - After much creaming all over himself about how the new Nehalem shits from Intel is the absolute fuck nut, and that it screams to warm your unwashed cumstained crotch-textiles, proceeds to piss all over himself over the new aluminum Macbook shell. Apparently the aluminum was mined from the collapsed schoolhouses of the Chinese earthquake, hand polished by the victims of the Burmese cyclone, and CNC'd by Hillary Clinton's campaign team. Making it officially the RAREST ALUMINUM ON PLANET EARTH!!!!!
11:15 - After the aluminum bit, some asshole from Adobe came out and decapitated a member of Hamas, while raping his goat. Nothing was said during the whole thing, very odd. UPDATE: Apparently, this was to praise Intel's Israel office, designers of the new Nehalem core, and to let them know that CS4 will indeed has native support for SSE4.1 and they have fully tweaked their multi-treading for the new hyper threading redux in Nehalem. (my fault... not up on jewish customs I guess)
11:30 - Oh fuck, here it is, Jobs is back!!! He's talking about how the iPhone has either got people laid or made them look like a tool. Either way, he says, Apple is glad you are sucking their dicks, and enjoy cumming on your face.
11:35 - It's all coming true... and I just don't know if I can live anymore until I have that sweet man's cock in my mou.... wait no, I mean, new iPhone in my hands. 3G, GPS, MMS, your mom and sister's telephone number... All the features I had two phones ago are now "lickable"!!!! Somehow this is going to make my life more complete than free Wi-Fi during chemotherapy. Goddamn it, where is my 1st gen(grin) iPhone, I've got to go check to see if I can check Engadget and Gizmodo to see if there is just one more post about this fucking thing...
11:45 - $399 w/ two-year, $110/month all you can eat plan. $80 lowest plan. Eat my shit you fucking assholes!!! Well, I suppose I could stop the colonics every other week, and hold off on the gender reassignme.... um... Oh, there's a discount if you videotape yourself either inside Michelle Obama, or Barrack inside of you.
12:00 - Third Party Apps - they got um now, so a grand fucktard yaaahooo to all the peeps out there in the hiz-noice, my nigga. Prices range from free to $50 depending on the type of app you care about. Will Wright hops on stage to show off more of Spore, promises that the game will actually be released sometime this decade alongside Duke Nukem Forever, which now shares the same engine, winks at Ellen Feiss and tosses her his first born's afterbirth in a Ziploc bag.
12:10 - Spore anally rapes my inner child, without the ugly Chris Hansen cameo. My little asian assistant passes out, mostly due to low blood sugar with the diabeetus, but this put him over the edge... They finish with the games rolling a clip from Sega showing the baddassary in software that only a failed console maker can show. *inserts dreamcast keychain into urethra*
12:20 - Now, something about Apple TV being relevant and important. I didn't listen cause I was searching for a way TO GIVE A FUCK.
12:30 - Goddamn, am I gonna have to go up there and lick up Ellen Fiess's Shit? I'm fucking hungry, lets rap this the fuck up so I can go get a fucking sammich with my other jerk-off tech blog "journalists"...
12:40 - Jobs is back to talk about the business crap with the iPhone, OK we heard all this before... WAIT... WAIT... ONE... MORE... FUCKING... THING!!!!!!!!!!! OK...Pants down, dick in hand, no time for lube... assistant typing for me... does he have the slide timed 5 seconds or 10... oh shit, he's manually advancing. Come on Steve.... Come ooooonnnnnnn... no don't..... wait.... he's keeping the slide up.... whipping his dick out... he's jacking off on Ellen!!! he's jacking off on Ellen!!! she's got the new iPhone in her mouth.... can't take it anymore... oh fuc--
12:41 - Jobs coats this bitch until you see her eyes go "beep beep beep" like her old Windows PC did in her first commercial when she was just stoned. Peter North would be proud. SO WHAT WAS THE "ONE MORE THING"? Are they going to explain all the jizz, piss, and scat flying around here today? Wait a minute... he's not done.. After Ellen sucks the remaining jizm from Steve's cock, Steve smacks her on the back of the head, holds a microphone to her, and jams as much of his foot as he can in her cunt. She belts out (iPhone still in mouth mind you) "IT'S WATERPROOF!!!!"
Her iPhone drops
The curtain drops
Camera pans and sticks on that poor iPhone in the puddle of filth, incoming call from "John Appleseed"
It all makes sense now...
Lights up... Woah... all of the people are naked in the audience with visible pools of semen all over the place. Of the five women in attendance today, 3 are dead, and the other two are shaking uncontrollably and bleeding.
Help me...
....of next Monday's event, how I can only guess it's going to go down:
9:50 - Ten minutes to go. I can hardly contain my backed up baby batter, haven't jerked off in a week, plan to jerk to climax solely within the time frame of the "One More Thing" slide... Almost made it last year... It's not helping that they are playing U2 right now...
10:00 - Lights dim, oops, pre-cum oozing, good thing I have a Vista Laptop on standby, a few seconds using "Flip3D" stopped that right quick.
10:01 - Mac/PC commercial starts - new "iPhone" character, played by Ellen Feiss!!! - this time she's "rolling on X"(get it), oh wow, she's getting fucked by Justin "Mac" Long, while John "PC" Hodgeman just gets to jerk off in the corner. This is really graphic and inappropriate for this venue... but looks really good in 1080p... encoded in h.264.
10:07 - WHAT!!! They rotate the camera, and we realize that the commercial was being "performed" LIVE!!! Ellen Feiss lies there, with just a taste of jizz, as Long and Hodgeman had blown their loads, but she hungers for more. Who I can only assume are the rest of the planned speakers take the stage, and proceed to jerk and jizz bukkake-style all over her indeed starting with Phil Schiller, and ending with Will Wright. Man, I really don't understand what their point is with this....
10:20 - The point revealed!!! Jobs takes the stage!! He hands Ellen an iPhone, she's using it to squeegee the cum off her naked body. At the same time, Jobs has a "Mopping up the competition" slide behind him, The crowd roars!!!
10:25 - Ellen takes a backseat to Jobs, however for some reason stays on stage, playing with the jizz, and now her own fecal matter and urine!! I'm sure the point to this will be revealed later in the show, but for now, she doesn't look like she's in a hurry to leave.
10:27 - Jobs goes on and on about market share, blah blah blah. PROUD OF YA. Now go fuck yourself and give me my goddamn 3G iPhone you fuck.
10:40 - Oh woop de fucking de do, more apps than ever are Leopard-compatible, and the adoption rate of Leopard THE BEST ON RECORD.... Right then Ellen rips a righteous fart from her little "area", Jobs responds to that with the first "Boom" of the night (under his breath).
10:45 - After more Leopard-praising, looks like new Macbooks. Aluminum!!! Whole line to go to the new Nehalem-core!!! Shipping next month... Goddamn, got to use the Vista Laptop again, this time having to look at it's lack of "Ultimate Extras" to calm my ass down.
11:00 - After much creaming all over himself about how the new Nehalem shits from Intel is the absolute fuck nut, and that it screams to warm your unwashed cumstained crotch-textiles, proceeds to piss all over himself over the new aluminum Macbook shell. Apparently the aluminum was mined from the collapsed schoolhouses of the Chinese earthquake, hand polished by the victims of the Burmese cyclone, and CNC'd by Hillary Clinton's campaign team. Making it officially the RAREST ALUMINUM ON PLANET EARTH!!!!!
11:15 - After the aluminum bit, some asshole from Adobe came out and decapitated a member of Hamas, while raping his goat. Nothing was said during the whole thing, very odd. UPDATE: Apparently, this was to praise Intel's Israel office, designers of the new Nehalem core, and to let them know that CS4 will indeed has native support for SSE4.1 and they have fully tweaked their multi-treading for the new hyper threading redux in Nehalem. (my fault... not up on jewish customs I guess)
11:30 - Oh fuck, here it is, Jobs is back!!! He's talking about how the iPhone has either got people laid or made them look like a tool. Either way, he says, Apple is glad you are sucking their dicks, and enjoy cumming on your face.
11:35 - It's all coming true... and I just don't know if I can live anymore until I have that sweet man's cock in my mou.... wait no, I mean, new iPhone in my hands. 3G, GPS, MMS, your mom and sister's telephone number... All the features I had two phones ago are now "lickable"!!!! Somehow this is going to make my life more complete than free Wi-Fi during chemotherapy. Goddamn it, where is my 1st gen(grin) iPhone, I've got to go check to see if I can check Engadget and Gizmodo to see if there is just one more post about this fucking thing...
11:45 - $399 w/ two-year, $110/month all you can eat plan. $80 lowest plan. Eat my shit you fucking assholes!!! Well, I suppose I could stop the colonics every other week, and hold off on the gender reassignme.... um... Oh, there's a discount if you videotape yourself either inside Michelle Obama, or Barrack inside of you.
12:00 - Third Party Apps - they got um now, so a grand fucktard yaaahooo to all the peeps out there in the hiz-noice, my nigga. Prices range from free to $50 depending on the type of app you care about. Will Wright hops on stage to show off more of Spore, promises that the game will actually be released sometime this decade alongside Duke Nukem Forever, which now shares the same engine, winks at Ellen Feiss and tosses her his first born's afterbirth in a Ziploc bag.
12:10 - Spore anally rapes my inner child, without the ugly Chris Hansen cameo. My little asian assistant passes out, mostly due to low blood sugar with the diabeetus, but this put him over the edge... They finish with the games rolling a clip from Sega showing the baddassary in software that only a failed console maker can show. *inserts dreamcast keychain into urethra*
12:20 - Now, something about Apple TV being relevant and important. I didn't listen cause I was searching for a way TO GIVE A FUCK.
12:30 - Goddamn, am I gonna have to go up there and lick up Ellen Fiess's Shit? I'm fucking hungry, lets rap this the fuck up so I can go get a fucking sammich with my other jerk-off tech blog "journalists"...
12:40 - Jobs is back to talk about the business crap with the iPhone, OK we heard all this before... WAIT... WAIT... ONE... MORE... FUCKING... THING!!!!!!!!!!! OK...Pants down, dick in hand, no time for lube... assistant typing for me... does he have the slide timed 5 seconds or 10... oh shit, he's manually advancing. Come on Steve.... Come ooooonnnnnnn... no don't..... wait.... he's keeping the slide up.... whipping his dick out... he's jacking off on Ellen!!! he's jacking off on Ellen!!! she's got the new iPhone in her mouth.... can't take it anymore... oh fuc--
12:41 - Jobs coats this bitch until you see her eyes go "beep beep beep" like her old Windows PC did in her first commercial when she was just stoned. Peter North would be proud. SO WHAT WAS THE "ONE MORE THING"? Are they going to explain all the jizz, piss, and scat flying around here today? Wait a minute... he's not done.. After Ellen sucks the remaining jizm from Steve's cock, Steve smacks her on the back of the head, holds a microphone to her, and jams as much of his foot as he can in her cunt. She belts out (iPhone still in mouth mind you) "IT'S WATERPROOF!!!!"
Her iPhone drops
The curtain drops
Camera pans and sticks on that poor iPhone in the puddle of filth, incoming call from "John Appleseed"
It all makes sense now...
Lights up... Woah... all of the people are naked in the audience with visible pools of semen all over the place. Of the five women in attendance today, 3 are dead, and the other two are shaking uncontrollably and bleeding.
Help me...
Labels: iBlowjob, iPhone;, series of tubes, you gonna get raped
this is disturbing.... no tablet!?!!!?!!
Pissed by
johnthevulcan |
June 6, 2008 7:24 PM